Slightly Bitter and Single. Party of One.

For a long time I was a firm believer in the whole "age is just a number" thing when it comes to relationships. However, after some personal experience with the idea, I beg to differ. A little while ago I was dating a guy who was a good bit older than I. He was cute, sweet, and we had a lot in common....however....there was just a lack of that spark that you need in a relationship. At first I thought it was because of bad timing, however after some thought I realized that wasn't the case. He was just too old for me. We were at two different points in our lives, and I feel that after a while he realized that as well. He had experienced much more than I, and while he never made me feel young, the fact was that I WAS young compared to him. Luckily, we are still friends but we won't ever be more than that, and for good reason. I took this as a lesson learned and looked to move forward.

Now if we fast forward to today, I'm standing in a somewhat similar position. Sort of. 

A few weeks back a friend who I met in undergrad got in contact with me. We were in the same major and had a large number of classes together. I never thought of him as anything other than a friend, and that still holds true today. However, he has expressed an interest in me before, but I made it clear that I didn't see him in that light, and I thought he was cool with that. However, in recent exchanges with me he as made references to me being "the one" and "that girl" and not only is it really confusing since I've never dated this guy, nor have I led him to believe that I wanted to, but it's also really uncomfortable. He is being really adamant about taking me out to lunch, and I'm super reluctant because I'm very confused on his possible intentions. He's a good friend, but not only is he too old for me, but I'm just not attracted to him. I hate saying that because I know it sounds really shallow, but it's just not there for me. 

I'm so confused as to why a guy so much older than me can think that I would have something to bring to the table in a relationship. I don't mean this in a self-deprecating way, but the fact is that we are in two very different places in our lives. He has had a career, an ex-wife, and a life that has a much longer story than mine. My story, in a way, is only really beginning, and his has a good few chapters. Now, while that is not a bad thing, it just makes it very hard for me to understand why he could think that we would ever work. 

And now I have found myself getting a little frustrated not only with him, but at my dating karma as well. I've been single for a good while now, and I'm ready to date someone seriously. However, it's as if I am either interested in someone who has no interest in me, or someone is interested in me, but I do not feel the same way about them. It feels like I'm constantly just missing the mark in either direction, and after a while it starts to get to you. I feel that most single people are expected to be happy about being single. Now this is not to say I am not happy, because I am content with being single, it doesn't really bother me most of the time, but I feel like you are also expected not to care. It's kind of looked down on if you express that you want to be in a relationship. Some view you as being desperate or lonely, and I just don't think that is the case. It's just that it gets really frustrating from time to time. I start to wonder if it's something to do with me, and thus starts the lame, but usually short lived cycle of questions that include; Am I boring? Not attractive? Too fat? Not girly enough? Too shy? and yada yada yada. All the stuff in retrospect that I am dumb for thinking about, but I can't deny that I have my days where it just kind of stinks. 

So what's a girl to do? Your guess is as good as mine. 

“Suddenly she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be.”- F. Scott Fitzgerald, A Nice Quiet Place