On more than one occasion in the past few weeks I have found myself in this very position. Sitting on my bed, comforter wrapped around my legs and waist, something playing in the background, waiting for the right words to flow through my hands, to the keys of my computer to shape and form a written document of what exactly has been streaming through my thoughts. It's as if I can't organize my thoughts into one coherent, free flowing idea . There is a buzzing of ideas, thoughts, and images that if they were to be expressed in sound it would equate to that of a colony of bees. I find myself drifting off, daydreaming of what my future has in store for me; jumping from thought to thought.
A few weeks ago I took my neighbors dog out for a run. It was fairly early, maybe 8am or so, and the weather best described as glum by most. The clouds were grey, hiding the newly risen sun, a slight fog hung in the air, with rain misting ever so slightly. As we came around a corner of the path that passes by a series of small ponds, I could not help but smile. It was strange, and I was glad that no one else was around to see me because I felt so strange to have a kind of sudden rush of misfit emotion. For a brief moment, I had a flash of what I want my future to be like. The idea that someday, I would be able to take my dog (my future pup) out for an early morning run, in a place that was quiet, and surrounded by sights and smells that make me feel at ease. I know that's strange, and I recognized it at the time as well.
Since that day, it seems as if my mind just won't quiet. I keep thinking about things I want to do, the way I want to live, the goals I want to accomplish, and it's all caused me to feel very restless. I keep wondering if what I am doing now is going to help lead me to all of those things. Am I going in the right direction, or do I need to change my course? I've always been a very nostalgic person, longing for either the past or future, even though I feel like as if I also live in the moment, so this kind of thing isn't completely unusual for me. However, when I am feeling particularly restless, these things flair up.
I recognize that I need a change. Now, in what form I'm not completely sure. I do have some idea, and that might be a blog post for a later date, once it's better formed, and if I deem it acceptable for the internet to know.
I gave blood today. It's a simple statement, and a simple action. I've done it several times without too much thought to it. I give anytime I can because it's a simple process that will help someone in the future. I also give blood because of my blood type. O+. It's not the all powerful O- , but it can still help any other positive blood type, so I feel like I should help if I can.
I met a woman today after giving blood. We were sat at the refreshments table, taking the time to sit, drink some apple juice, and chow down on a doughnut. I was making simple conversation with the others at the table and one of the volunteers, and we came to the subject of how many people actually go and donate blood. If you didn't know, it's not a large amount. For the amount of blood that hospitals need, there is a large lack of donations to cover that demand. This woman, who's name I failed to get, started to tell me that she can't even count the number of times she has given blood. She goes every 8 weeks if time allows. She explained to me that the reason she goes so often is that several years ago her son had surgery for a routine tonsillectomy. During the surgery, the doctors came out to her holding her sons clothes. Very confused, she asked why they had his clothes. They proceeded to tell her that what was a routine surgery, had gone wrong and that her son had started to lose a large amount of blood and had to be rushed to the O.R, and that the outlook did not look good. Without a real explanation, the doctors started handing her paperwork. You know, they scary papers of DNR's and waivers and such. She told me that she had never known the kind of fear that she went through that day. She had never really planned for the worst, because it was a surgery that was done all the time. What did she have to be worried about?
Luckly, her son made it through the surgery, and spent a week in the hospital for recovery. She told me that ever since that day, she has given blood at every opportunity that she has had. Her son received a lot of blood to make it through the surgery, which means that someone had to take the time to donate it. She wants to be able to do that for someone else, and that is why she donates.
If you have time folks, please go and donate. It means more than you think.
“In the depths of my soul, I longed to be a part of something large and good; something that required all of me; something dangerous and worth dying for.”
For a long time I was a firm believer in the whole "age is just a number" thing when it comes to relationships. However, after some personal experience with the idea, I beg to differ. A little while ago I was dating a guy who was a good bit older than I. He was cute, sweet, and we had a lot in common....however....there was just a lack of that spark that you need in a relationship. At first I thought it was because of bad timing, however after some thought I realized that wasn't the case. He was just too old for me. We were at two different points in our lives, and I feel that after a while he realized that as well. He had experienced much more than I, and while he never made me feel young, the fact was that I WAS young compared to him. Luckily, we are still friends but we won't ever be more than that, and for good reason. I took this as a lesson learned and looked to move forward.
Now if we fast forward to today, I'm standing in a somewhat similar position. Sort of.
A few weeks back a friend who I met in undergrad got in contact with me. We were in the same major and had a large number of classes together. I never thought of him as anything other than a friend, and that still holds true today. However, he has expressed an interest in me before, but I made it clear that I didn't see him in that light, and I thought he was cool with that. However, in recent exchanges with me he as made references to me being "the one" and "that girl" and not only is it really confusing since I've never dated this guy, nor have I led him to believe that I wanted to, but it's also really uncomfortable. He is being really adamant about taking me out to lunch, and I'm super reluctant because I'm very confused on his possible intentions. He's a good friend, but not only is he too old for me, but I'm just not attracted to him. I hate saying that because I know it sounds really shallow, but it's just not there for me.
I'm so confused as to why a guy so much older than me can think that I would have something to bring to the table in a relationship. I don't mean this in a self-deprecating way, but the fact is that we are in two very different places in our lives. He has had a career, an ex-wife, and a life that has a much longer story than mine. My story, in a way, is only really beginning, and his has a good few chapters. Now, while that is not a bad thing, it just makes it very hard for me to understand why he could think that we would ever work.
And now I have found myself getting a little frustrated not only with him, but at my dating karma as well. I've been single for a good while now, and I'm ready to date someone seriously. However, it's as if I am either interested in someone who has no interest in me, or someone is interested in me, but I do not feel the same way about them. It feels like I'm constantly just missing the mark in either direction, and after a while it starts to get to you. I feel that most single people are expected to be happy about being single. Now this is not to say I am not happy, because I am content with being single, it doesn't really bother me most of the time, but I feel like you are also expected not to care. It's kind of looked down on if you express that you want to be in a relationship. Some view you as being desperate or lonely, and I just don't think that is the case. It's just that it gets really frustrating from time to time. I start to wonder if it's something to do with me, and thus starts the lame, but usually short lived cycle of questions that include; Am I boring? Not attractive? Too fat? Not girly enough? Too shy? and yada yada yada. All the stuff in retrospect that I am dumb for thinking about, but I can't deny that I have my days where it just kind of stinks.
So what's a girl to do? Your guess is as good as mine.
“Suddenly she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be.”- F. Scott Fitzgerald, A Nice Quiet Place
I busted out my bike today, which was much overdue. I only went 4 miles and it only took me a little under 30 min, but I forgot how much fun it is. The hills aren't a walk in the park, and after not biking for so long it was a little shock to my legs. However, on fairly flat stretches or down hill is such a good time. On flat ground I got up to 17mph, which isn't mind blowing, but it sure is fun!
I'm going to try and bike more and log some more miles. I could have gone longer today, but nature was calling and could not be ignored. Anyway, it's a particularly nice way to end the day and I hope to do it more.
The Duhks- Annabel
You can ignore the video and just listen to the audio.
I am such a autumn baby. I love just about everything that comes with the season; the food, the drink, the activities, the clothes, the colors, the trees, the smells. Everything! The weather here the past few days as been eerily fall-like and it's just put me in the head space of getting ready for it. I've been thinking about all the fun things I would like to do. I particularly would really like to finally get to go camping, and maybe even spend some time in the mountains in a cabin. The beach is actually also really nice at that time. The water is a bit too cold, but it's still really nice.
There is just something about this season that consistently puts me in a good mood. I think it's mostly the scenery of the trees changing color, and a smell that come along with it too that I enjoy so much. It's just the perfect time to be outside just enjoying the world, and people around you.
Not the best audio of this song, but whatcha gonna do?
Here I am, circa 1am and I have yet to find any trace of sleep. It's always when you need it, that you can't find it, and when you don't want it, you have it.
Figures.
My mind has been kind of a swarming mess the past few days. I've been thinking about several different things independently, and simultaneously. I think I've made at least three different mental notes to write which, obviously, haven't happen. Mostly because when I actually get the time to write about them, I've lost most of my thoughts from earlier in the day. This is slightly funny considering I pretty much always have some sort of journal or notebook with me at all times for this very reason. I'm very much guilty of writing little lines or thoughts on a piece of paper or in my phone of something that has struck me during the day. Out of context, it would mean nothing to anyone who read it, but I use them later for my personal journal entry's or the ones on this page. However, I've somehow managed a way to be without any of my trusty journals/notebooks this past week....but such is life I suppose.
One of the several things in my thoughts lately comes from a conversation I had with a friend of mine a couple of nights ago. From time to time, we hum and haw about the current state of our love lives. Jokingly (or, on our really bitter days, not so jokingly) about how we will be single for the rest of our lives and die alone in a house full of cats. Blah blah blah, typical single girl complaints. We talked about how we both would like to be in relationships, but time is just not on our side right now. She has the problem of falling for people who are interested, but geographically unavailable, while I on the other hand...well...I have no one who's interested. Ha! I mentioned to her not being surprised by my singleness because I don't think that I am the kind of girl guys like to date. I've kind of always thought this, and it's never really bothered me. Just something I've kind of come to see as fact rather than anything else. I've done my share of dating, probably not as much as your average Joe, but I don't actually think about it all that much. She however was kind of taken aback by my statement which surprised me. She then proceeds to tell me how I'm the "kind of girl you marry".............
what does that. even. mean.?
So I've been fumbling with this for a few days off and on. What exactly makes someone the "marrying" type? Is it a personality trait? A way of acting? A point in time? Where does this idea stem from? Ha, in a way it felt like a nice way of calling me boring.
I've thought about how I would like to get married at some point. You know, if I find someone crazy enough to put up with me. lol I'm by no means ready for it now, but someday it's something I would like. So, for her to call me that now, when I'm single, and not even dating anyone seemed strange to me. I don't think I've looked at someone and thought about whether or not they were "marriage" material. To me, that's something that develops with another person. It's something that happens together. I could be wrong, and it could be that it's different for each person, but just an interesting thing to think about.
Random side note: looking for a new journal is not as easy as I would like.
I've been contemplating what it means to love someone and to be loved by another person; how you show your love and how you receive it.
I find it very hard to tell people that I love them. No matter how much I actually do, I always seem to have a hesitation to actually saying the words aloud to another person. I've never been the first to say it in a relationship (even though I probably felt it first) and I don't say it as often to my friends and family as I should or would like to.
Maybe it's the vulnerability that comes with it, and a bit of responsibility as well. You make yourself vulnerable to sharing a very strong feeling with another person, that (particularly at its first utterance) may not feel the same way. Then if you are on the receiving end of another's love, you gain a kind of responsibility to that person. You hold a part of them in a way, and you have to figure out the best way to be the carrier of that part.
I want to rid myself of this hesitation to saying I love you. Particularly since I feel that there are quite a few people whom I love that I've never told before, and I think one of the biggest regrets that a person can have is having loved someone but then never took the time to risk telling them. Also, for the future as well....If I'm lucky enough to find a guy to be with, whether it be temporary or forever, I want to be able to say it without feeling vulnerable, or without fear of what might not be said in return. Granted, on the flip side of that coin I know it won't be easy for me to do for vulnerability is not my strong suit.
