Comparison: The most insincere form of flattery

How many times have I come across a post or article entitled something like"27 things every twenty something needs to hear" is far too many to count. In every single one of those posts and articles one of those "things to hear" is how not to compare you or your life to others around your age. They say 'everyone progresses in different ways and takes different paths. Don't weigh your self worth on where you think you should be in comparison to others! You rock the path you are walking now and be proud!'. Well, random articles targeted to the 20-something population, you can kiss my ass.

I know the sentiment is true. Yes, it's true that you shouldn't compare where you are in life to others. There is no right or wrong way to which path you chose to take, or how long that path may be, however I'd love to hear that from someone who's not getting paid to write such things. As a twenty-something who's currently experiencing feelings of great envy towards others who "have their shit together" I can't stand to read those articles.

It's frustrating being in one place and desperately wanting to change your situation but feel as though you cant do anything about it. I'm about to start my last year of graduate school, and it's going to be an stressful year. I'm required for my program to complete two, unpaid, internships; one part time, the second full time. This means at least for the second internship, I will not be able to work a job that brings me any income of significance. This fact alone was stressful enough, but now I have, at most, 10 weeks in the current job that I hold due to the company going out of business. Meaning, if I can't find another job within 10 weeks or so, I may not have any active income...yay.

I've had this post sitting in edit mode for a little while now. I start looking at it and adding to it, and then stopping because it feels so negative, and I hate being overly negative. However, I think I need to just let it be said. Thinking about all of this is stressful; a great understatement really. I'm very much at a point in my life where I am ready to take the next step into adulthood, in a few ways actually. I'm ready to start my career, but I feel so much apprehension, and even a bit of bitterness towards it now. When it feels like you've been working and doing all of these things to get you through to the next step, and then you trip. You trip, and suddenly instead of looking at the finish line straight ahead, you are seeing it from the ground, and getting back up hurts, it's embarrassing, and the other runners are passing you by. It makes it difficult to see why you should finish the race at all, I mean it doesn't seem like you are going to win, so why keep running?

All that being said, I know I will 'finish the race' as it were. I've come to far and have done too much work not to, however these past few weeks have not been easy. Trying not to compare yourself to others is hard, especially when you feel like you are working towards a goal. I know I will get through this time and, if anything, learn more about myself than I would have, had I not been faced with this challenge. I'm attempting to hold on to that idea, and waiting to see this thing through. Let's hope the final goal is all worth the wait.

1 year, 52 stories: Story 2

"Some weather we've been having, eh?"

Richard closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He had hoped he could avoid Carl considering the long day he had, and was in no mood to try and pretend to be cordial. He closed the mail box and looked up and said "Yeah, something isn't it?" Richard had hoped he would pick up on the rhetorical nature of the question. He didn't.

Richard always thought Carl was an odd person. He never seemed to have much company, and always walked about in a quiet stupor which Richard found odd. He often took to referring to Carl as Boo Radley in private, though one day he did let the nickname slip in one of their brief conversations, but he didn't think Carl noticed. If he could, he would avoid talking with him. Richard would have no problem going about his day completely ignoring Carl, but for some reason he also struck up some short, insignificant conversation, and he felt obligated to respond.

"Oh well," Carl responded "at least the rain will help water our lawns."

"Uh, yeah, sure. It will make them super green and, uh, stuff."

When Carl had stepped out of his house to retrieve his mail, he had not seen Richard. He wished he had the forethought to look since he did not particularly enjoy conversing with his neighbors, but he especially did not enjoy talking to Richard. Richard was the kind of guy who had a air of privilege, and lacked a general understanding human decency. He swore Richard had referred to him as Boo Radley once, which he was surprised at the literary reference, but did not feel complemented by the comparison. On several occasions Carl had overheard Richard make snide comments over the few lawn gnomes Carl kept in his yard. He wouldn't have taken it so personally had he not once explained to roger as to why he had the gnomes.

"You know lawn gnomes are designated for like, old hippy broads and those short guys with hairy feet, right?" Richard said with a chuckle.

"Do you mean hobbits?" Carl asked.

"Ha! Yeah, hobbits. You would be the kind of dude who knew that."

Laughing politely "Yeah, well I keep them as a kind of inside joke." Carl replied.

"Well, that's one ugly inside joke." he said in an hypercritical tone.

Carl paused and forced a slight chuckle, though he thought the comment was anything but funny.

"eh, yeah, well, it's something that my wife and I joked about before we got married. It's a long story, but that's why I keep them."

Richard, with a raised eyebrow, sensitively responded with "Whoa, how are you married and I'm still going though every receptionist at work? Ha!"

"Because you're a total ass waffle, who wouldn't know how to treat a girl even if she gave you
 step by step instructions with pictures to help." Is what Carl thought.

"Just lucky I guess." Is what he said.

"Well, did she leave you or something? I've never seen anyone else over here except for you."

"Uh, no. She passed away a few years ago."

"Oh,' Richard replied. 'that sucks."

Since that time, Carl did not look forward to interactions with Richard. However, he never could find it within himself to be outwardly rude to Richard, so he always tried to engage in polite, but brief, conversation.

As he walked towards the mailbox, he politely called out to Richard, "some weather we've been having, eh?"

1 Year, 52 Stories: Story 1

He opened the door to the men's restroom expecting to see some dilapidated, not cleaned in the last two weeks, run of the mill, middle of nowhere gas station bathroom. The kind where the actual bathroom is attached around the back side of the building, and the lock is not so much a lock, as it is just a heavy door with a with a bit of metal attached to the opposite side that once resembled a regular bathroom stall lock. Well, that's exactly what Roger found when he walked into the bathroom of the Gas and Go gas station. A rather duplicitous name when he came to think about it considering the last time he had visited a Gas and Go, he left with a hot dog that did not agree with his stomach and that required him to roll down his car window about 15 minutes after leaving the parking lot. He decided to forgo getting a hot dog on this trip.

As Roger went to relieve himself of the breakfast burrito that he had consumed earlier that day, he was very much reminded that he was no longer a young 20 something who could eat whatever he wanted, and not worry about the havoc it would reap upon his bowels. He had just turned 50 at the end of April, and he was starting to realize he was no longer the man he once was. More than just the obvious signs of aging, grey hair, wrinkled skin, and more nose and hear hair than evolution should really allow to grow on a person, but the things that you could not view from the outside. This change was more personal because he was facing the reality of the fact that he, at his core, had become a different person, and he wasn't all too sure if he liked the person he had become.

As he turned and sat down, expecting to be upon the throne for some time, he wiped the sweat from his brow because there was no escaping the feeling of being slightly damp in Arizona in late July. The air conditioning in his car has gone out a few months ago but he never had it fixed because when one lives in San Francisco, air conditioning for your car, or your home for that matter, are not necessities. He was very much regretting this decision now. The Arizona heat had caused Rogers legs to sweat so much that even his shorts stuck to him, a sensation he was not too fond of as he was preparing to take a seat.

After a moment, he began to scan the room, waiting for nature to take its course. There wasn't anything special about the restroom. It was apparent at one point the Gas and Go owners made an attempt to liven the place up with a basket of potpourri on the bathroom sink, but its sent had gone long ago. However, it is the thought that counts. As he continued to look about the room he noted the the walls of the bathroom were etched with the writings of passersby. He never really understood what prompted a person to write on a bathroom stall, but it provided something to do while he waited, so for that he was grateful.

A few minutes passed by, and Roger now with his hands clasped together in such a way that it looked as though he was praying, was almost finished when he looked to his left and saw a piece of travelers graffiti that caught his eye. It read 'How much of human life is lost in waiting? -RWE'.

"RWE", he thought as he scratched his head. He could not place the initials, and was searching his memory for the name that corresponded to them. He recognized the words, but could not place where or why he had known them.

"RWE" he said.

Then, like striking a match, he remembered. Ralph Waldo Emerson, a writer he had become rather enamored with back during his college days. Like an incoming wave, memories flooded Roger's mind. He was suddenly reminded of a time where his worries were minimal and is world of opportunity was wide open. A quiet chuckle escaped his lips thinking about a time were he and his college roommate decided to take it upon themselves to remove all of their dorm room furniture and place on the roof of their residence hall. He remembered telling the building director that his astronomy professor urged them to 'examine the stars' as often as possible, and they just saw it as a means of being devoted to their studies. One could not adequately study the sky from the small confines of their dorm room after-all.

Roger smiled, reminiscing of a time when he felt unlimited. A life that was very much contradictory to the one that he was currently living. He thought about how little 'waiting' he did back then, and how much of his life now was consumed by it. Suddenly he was overwhelmed with this scribbling on the wall; all of what it meant and all of what it could mean.

With his mind racing, Roger gathered himself and walked to the half way clean sink, and began to wash his hands. Moving his hands under the water, lathering them with soap, he found himself in a daze. Confused about what these new unearthed feelings, a fluttering of excitement and intimidation, with the realization that if he waited now, he would keep waiting for the rest of his life. He would keep on on the road he was currently taking and would never be able to turn back around.

Before exiting the bathroom, Roger collected a small pool of water in his hands, and splashed his face. In need of some relief not only from the heat, but now from a decision he felt as though he had to make.

As he walked out the door and back to his car, Roger knew now what he had to do, what he felt propelled to do. He reached the door of is 2010 Honda Civic, and as he opened the door and sat down, he knew what he was about to do was going against everything his brain was telling him to do, but was thumping to the same beat that his heart was playing. He started up the engine and turned on the radio. He hadn't realized what was playing before he arrived, but now he flipped through the stations until he landed on David Bowie's Major Tom. He had forgotten how much he liked this song, and with his tunes set for the journey that now lay ahead, he began to drive a way from the Gas and Go. As he reached the road he paused, looking towards the direction he should have been going. He should have been going home, back to San Francisco, however that was not the direction he would be going. Instead, he was turning around, going back the way he had come. He was going back, and as he turned out of the parking lot, he knew he couldn't wait any longer.

_________________________________________________________________________________

To see my boyfriends response to his first prompt of the 1 year, 52 stories challenge, click here.

I year and 52 stories: A challenge

So over the past few years, my boyfriend and I have taken to serving up a little friendly competition between the two of us. On average, actually every challenge, he has bested me! While this year we are still continuing some of our traditional challenges, this year we decided to add a new one to the mix. We each had been discussing how we have felt to be in a bit of a creative slump when it comes to writing, made very clear by the state of my blog (sorry to anyone who may actually read it!). So, to remedy this situation we have come up with a bit of a push to get our creative juices flowing.

For this year's challenge he and I will be sending each other a writing prompt of our choosing every Wednesday morning. Then, the other will have a week to write a response to the prompt that we have been given. The prompts I will be giving him will be coming from the 642 Things to Write Journal, and the prompts he will be giving me are from the 712 Things to Write Journal. 

Now, whether or not there will be consequences if we do not fulfill the prompt on time, has yet to be discussed, along with some other little bits, but has that is defined I will update you here. If you would like to follow my boyfriends postings, which I highly suggest, he will be posting them to his Tumblr which you can find here. I may also post my responses to my tumblr in addition to my blog here, but that has yet to be decided.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the posts to come, and let the writing begin!

Penny & Sparrow- Heroes and Monsters

This song. On repeat.


P.S. I promise to have an actual post sometime soon. Pinky promise.

On Being Restless, and Other Random Tales.

On more than one occasion in the past few weeks I have found myself in this very position. Sitting on my bed, comforter wrapped around my legs and waist, something playing in the background, waiting for the right words to flow through my hands, to the keys of my computer to shape and form a written document of what exactly has been streaming through my thoughts. It's as if I can't organize my thoughts into one coherent, free flowing idea . There is a buzzing of ideas, thoughts, and images that if they were to be expressed in sound it would equate to that of a colony of bees. I find myself drifting off, daydreaming of what my future has in store for me; jumping from thought to thought. 

A few weeks ago I took my neighbors dog out for a run. It was fairly early, maybe 8am or so, and the weather best described as glum by most. The clouds were grey, hiding the newly risen sun, a slight fog hung in the air, with rain misting ever so slightly. As we came around a corner of the path that passes by a series of small ponds, I could not help but smile. It was strange, and I was glad that no one else was around to see me because I felt so strange to have a kind of sudden rush of misfit emotion. For a brief moment, I had a flash of what I want my future to be like. The idea that someday, I would be able to take my dog (my future pup) out for an early morning run, in a place that was quiet, and surrounded by sights and smells that make me feel at ease. I know that's strange, and I recognized it at the time as well. 

Since that day, it seems as if my mind just won't quiet. I keep thinking about things I want to do, the way I want to live, the goals I want to accomplish, and it's all caused me to feel very restless. I keep wondering if what I am doing now is going to help lead me to all of those things. Am I going in the right direction, or do I need to change my course? I've always been a very nostalgic person, longing for either the past or future, even though I feel like as if I also live in the moment, so this kind of thing isn't completely unusual for me. However, when I am feeling particularly restless, these things flair up. 

I recognize that I need a change. Now, in what form I'm not completely sure. I do have some idea, and that might be a blog post for a later date, once it's better formed, and if I deem it acceptable for the internet to know. 

Noah Gundersen- "Ledges"

Donate.

I gave blood today. It's a simple statement, and a simple action. I've done it several times without too much thought to it. I give anytime I can because it's a simple process that will help someone in the future. I also give blood because of my blood type. O+. It's not the all powerful O- , but it can still help any other positive blood type, so I feel like I should help if I can.

I met a woman today after giving blood. We were sat at the refreshments table, taking the time to sit, drink some apple juice, and chow down on a doughnut. I was making simple conversation with the others at the table and one of the volunteers, and we came to the subject of how many people actually go and donate blood. If you didn't know, it's not a large amount. For the amount of blood that hospitals need, there is a large lack of donations to cover that demand. This woman, who's name I failed to get, started to tell me that she can't even count the number of times she has given blood. She goes every 8 weeks if time allows. She explained to me that the reason she goes so often is that several years ago her son had surgery for a routine tonsillectomy. During the surgery, the doctors came out to her holding her sons clothes. Very confused, she asked why they had his clothes. They proceeded to tell her that what was a routine surgery, had gone wrong and that her son had started to lose a large amount of blood and had to be rushed to the O.R, and that the outlook did not look good. Without a real explanation, the doctors started handing her paperwork. You know, they scary papers of DNR's and waivers and such. She told me that she had never known the kind of fear that she went through that day. She had never really planned for the worst, because it was a surgery that was done all the time. What did she have to be worried about?  

Luckly, her son made it through the surgery, and spent a week in the hospital for recovery. She told me that ever since that day, she has given blood at every opportunity that she has had. Her son received a lot of blood to make it through the surgery, which means that someone had to take the time to donate it. She wants to be able to do that for someone else, and that is why she donates.

If you have time folks, please go and donate. It means more than you think. 

“In the depths of my soul, I longed to be a part of something large and good; something that required all of me; something dangerous and worth dying for.”

—	John & Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

Slightly Bitter and Single. Party of One.

For a long time I was a firm believer in the whole "age is just a number" thing when it comes to relationships. However, after some personal experience with the idea, I beg to differ. A little while ago I was dating a guy who was a good bit older than I. He was cute, sweet, and we had a lot in common....however....there was just a lack of that spark that you need in a relationship. At first I thought it was because of bad timing, however after some thought I realized that wasn't the case. He was just too old for me. We were at two different points in our lives, and I feel that after a while he realized that as well. He had experienced much more than I, and while he never made me feel young, the fact was that I WAS young compared to him. Luckily, we are still friends but we won't ever be more than that, and for good reason. I took this as a lesson learned and looked to move forward.

Now if we fast forward to today, I'm standing in a somewhat similar position. Sort of. 

A few weeks back a friend who I met in undergrad got in contact with me. We were in the same major and had a large number of classes together. I never thought of him as anything other than a friend, and that still holds true today. However, he has expressed an interest in me before, but I made it clear that I didn't see him in that light, and I thought he was cool with that. However, in recent exchanges with me he as made references to me being "the one" and "that girl" and not only is it really confusing since I've never dated this guy, nor have I led him to believe that I wanted to, but it's also really uncomfortable. He is being really adamant about taking me out to lunch, and I'm super reluctant because I'm very confused on his possible intentions. He's a good friend, but not only is he too old for me, but I'm just not attracted to him. I hate saying that because I know it sounds really shallow, but it's just not there for me. 

I'm so confused as to why a guy so much older than me can think that I would have something to bring to the table in a relationship. I don't mean this in a self-deprecating way, but the fact is that we are in two very different places in our lives. He has had a career, an ex-wife, and a life that has a much longer story than mine. My story, in a way, is only really beginning, and his has a good few chapters. Now, while that is not a bad thing, it just makes it very hard for me to understand why he could think that we would ever work. 

And now I have found myself getting a little frustrated not only with him, but at my dating karma as well. I've been single for a good while now, and I'm ready to date someone seriously. However, it's as if I am either interested in someone who has no interest in me, or someone is interested in me, but I do not feel the same way about them. It feels like I'm constantly just missing the mark in either direction, and after a while it starts to get to you. I feel that most single people are expected to be happy about being single. Now this is not to say I am not happy, because I am content with being single, it doesn't really bother me most of the time, but I feel like you are also expected not to care. It's kind of looked down on if you express that you want to be in a relationship. Some view you as being desperate or lonely, and I just don't think that is the case. It's just that it gets really frustrating from time to time. I start to wonder if it's something to do with me, and thus starts the lame, but usually short lived cycle of questions that include; Am I boring? Not attractive? Too fat? Not girly enough? Too shy? and yada yada yada. All the stuff in retrospect that I am dumb for thinking about, but I can't deny that I have my days where it just kind of stinks. 

So what's a girl to do? Your guess is as good as mine. 

“Suddenly she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be.”- F. Scott Fitzgerald, A Nice Quiet Place

Brief Biking

This is short and to the point....

I busted out my bike today, which was much overdue. I only went 4 miles and it only took me a little under 30 min, but I forgot how much fun it is. The hills aren't a walk in the park, and after not biking for so long it was a little shock to my legs. However, on fairly flat stretches or down hill is such a good time. On flat ground I got up to 17mph, which isn't mind blowing, but it sure is fun!

I'm going to try and bike more and log some more miles. I could have gone longer today, but nature was calling and could not be ignored. Anyway, it's a particularly nice way to end the day and I hope to do it more.

The Duhks- Annabel

You can ignore the video and just listen to the audio.

Autumn is Coming!

I am such a autumn baby. I love just about everything that comes with the season; the food, the drink, the activities, the clothes, the colors, the trees, the smells. Everything! The weather here the past few days as been eerily fall-like and it's just put me in the head space of getting ready for it. I've been thinking about all the fun things I would like to do. I particularly would really like to finally get to go camping, and maybe even spend some time in the mountains in a cabin.  The beach is actually also really nice at that time. The water is a bit too cold, but it's still really nice.

There is just something about this season that consistently puts me in a good mood. I think it's mostly the scenery of the trees changing color, and a smell that come along with it too that I enjoy so much. It's just the perfect time to be outside just enjoying the world, and people around you. 

Not the best audio of this song, but whatcha gonna do?

My "type"

Here I am, circa 1am and I have yet to find any trace of sleep. It's always when you need it, that you can't find it, and when you don't want it, you have it.

Figures.

My mind has been kind of a swarming mess the past few days. I've been thinking about several different things independently, and simultaneously. I think I've made at least three different mental notes to write which, obviously, haven't happen. Mostly because when I actually get the time to write about them, I've lost most of my thoughts from earlier in the day. This is slightly funny considering I pretty much always have some sort of journal or notebook with me at all times for this very reason. I'm very much guilty of writing little lines or thoughts on a piece of paper or in my phone of something that has struck me during the day. Out of context, it would mean nothing to anyone who read it, but I use them later for my personal journal entry's or the ones on this page. However, I've somehow managed a way to be without any of my trusty journals/notebooks this past week....but such is life I suppose.

One of the several things in my thoughts lately comes from a conversation I had with a friend of mine a couple of nights ago. From time to time, we hum and haw about the current state of our love lives. Jokingly (or, on our really bitter days, not so jokingly) about how we will be single for the rest of our lives and die alone in a house full of cats. Blah blah blah, typical single girl complaints. We talked about how we both would like to be in relationships, but time is just not on our side right now. She has the problem of falling for people who are interested, but geographically unavailable, while I on the other hand...well...I have no one who's interested. Ha! I mentioned to her not being surprised by my singleness because I don't think that I am the kind of girl guys like to date. I've kind of always thought this, and it's never really bothered me. Just something I've kind of come to see as fact rather than anything else. I've done my share of dating, probably not as much as your average Joe, but I don't actually think about it all that much. She however was kind of taken aback by my statement which surprised me. She then proceeds to tell me how I'm the "kind of girl you marry".............

what does that. even. mean.?

So I've been fumbling with this for a few days off and on. What exactly makes someone the "marrying" type? Is it a personality trait? A way of acting? A point in time? Where does this idea stem from? Ha, in a way it felt like a nice way of calling me boring.

I've thought about how I would like to get married at some point. You know, if I find someone crazy enough to put up with me. lol I'm by no means ready for it now, but someday it's something I would like. So, for her to call me that now, when I'm single, and not even dating anyone seemed strange to me. I don't think I've looked at someone and thought about whether or not they were "marriage" material. To me, that's something that develops with another person. It's something that happens together. I could be wrong, and it could be that it's different for each person, but just an interesting thing to think about.


Random side note: looking for a new journal is not as easy as I would like.

"Three words that became hard to say"...

"I and Love and You".

I've been contemplating what it means to love someone and to be loved by another person; how you show your love and how you receive it.

I find it very hard to tell people that I love them. No matter how much I actually do, I always seem to have a hesitation to actually saying the words aloud to another person. I've never been the first to say it in a relationship (even though I probably felt it first) and I don't say it as often to my friends and family as I should or would like to.

Maybe it's the vulnerability that comes with it, and a bit of responsibility as well. You make yourself vulnerable to sharing a very strong feeling with another person, that (particularly at its first utterance) may not feel the same way. Then if you are on the receiving end of another's love, you gain a kind of responsibility to that person. You hold a part of them in a way, and you have to figure out the best way to be the carrier of that part.

I want to rid myself of this hesitation to saying I love you. Particularly since I feel that there are quite a few people whom I love that I've never told before, and I think one of the biggest regrets that a person can have is having loved someone but then never took the time to risk telling them. Also, for the future as well....If I'm lucky enough to find a guy to be with, whether it be temporary or forever, I want to be able to say it without feeling vulnerable, or without fear of what might not be said in return. Granted, on the flip side of that coin I know it won't be easy for me to do for vulnerability is not my strong suit.

Canon Logic- Mountain

Strayed...

I'm very much the kind of person that loves quotes. All sorts. Funny, inspirational, thought provoking, silly ect.... because of this I end up marking and highlighting my books from time to time. Highlighting things that stick out to me in a number of different ways.

So I thought I would share with you a paragraph from I book that read recently called Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail.

In a short summary, the author, Cheryl Strayed, decides to hike the PCT after a string of hardships that happen in her life. The book chronicles her hardships in life before and during her time on the trail. It's very good if I do say so myself.

ANYWAY

In this section she is talking about the moment during her divorce where she is deciding on what she wants her last name to be...

"I pondered the question of my last name, mentally scanning words that sounded good with Cheryl and making lists of characters from novels I admired. Nothing fit until one day when the word strayed came into my mind. Immediately, I looked it up in the dictionary and knew it was mine. Its layered definitions spoke directly to my life and also struck a poetic chord: to wander from the proper path, to deviate from the direct course, to be lost, to become wild, to be without a mother or father, to be without a home, to move about aimlessly in search of something, to diverge or digress. 

        I had diverged, digressed, wandered, and become wild. I didn't embrace the word as my new name because it defined negative aspects of my circumstances or life, but because even in my darkest days-those very days in which I was naming myself-I saw the power of the darkness. Saw that, in fact, I had strayed and that I was a stray and that from the wild places my straying had brought me, I knew things I couldn't have known before." Pg. 96-97

Anyway, this bit stuck out to me so I thought I would share it. Take from it what you may, and I hope you enjoyed it. :)

Bloggers Block

To say that I've had writers block would be an understatement. I'm not sure if it's the mixture of being a bit busy with a side of some rather not so fun decisions that needed to be made, or if it's something else entirely. I can't count how many times I've opened a blank post, and just been at a complete loss as to what to write. It's not even that I haven't had things on my mind either. There has been quite a bit actually, but for some reason when I go to write, words just seem to fail me. I've even slacked on writing in my personal journal, which I write in fairly religiously. Maybe it's that my thoughts haven't been completely explored yet, and that's why I can't write. I haven't fully investigated them, and because I do not have full understanding of them yet, I am not able to write them down. Or I'm in denial...that's also an option.

But anyway, this has taken a very somber turn so let's turn it around with something completely irrelevant, shall we?

I've found lately that I kind of miss sharing my bed with someone. Not in a sexual way, but just having another person to lay in bed with. To have someone to wake up to in the morning. To have someone to curl up to in the evening. Is that strange? Fun fact: I love to be read to, and I love just laying in bed listening to someone reading a loud. That would be nice too.

This post makes no sense.

Video about woodworking which makes me want to learn even more than I wanted to before.

The Staves- Icarus ( Dead & Born & Grown)

Because they are awesome.

Whomp.

I know I've been absent from here for a minute. I've been a little all over the place in just about every sense of the phrase. So, in an attempt to just put something up until I can actually form a proper and coherent sentence, here are some bits and bobs for you.

Lana Del Ray- Young and Beautiful.

This is off of the Great Gatsby soundtrack which is in a word, amazing.

I laughed so hard.

Hug

Have you ever had a day when you just needed a hug, but also just didn't want to explain why you needed it? Just a hug without an explanation?

Yeah, it's one of those days.

The Language of Flowers

This is the title of a book that I just finished that has definitely left an impression on me. The main thing that drew me to this book was that the core of it was about flowers and their meanings. The book even comes with a flower dictionary that you can refer to, and I found out that there is an even larger companion dictionary that you can buy, and I REALLY want it!!!

When I first picked up the book I instantly turned to the dictionary to look up the meaning of my favorite flower: Orchid- Refined beauty. To me, it's so befitting of an orchid. The unique and varying shape of the petals and color combinations are always eye catching, but never loud or abrasive. It's a flower that can stand on its own, and there has always been something about this flower that has caught my attention. Of course, after I then proceeded to look up other flowers that I admire like : Wisteria- Welcome, Poppy- Fantastic extravagance, and Tulip- Declaration of love. Then after looking over every definition present I dove head first into the story. I wont get into the details of it, but it was very good. Sad but moving, and serious but light hearted at the same time.

There is something so very moving about words. The fact that one word can have a definition that expresses so much, and mean so many things is both fascinating and kind of sexy. I have forever been fascinated with kind of obscure words and definitions for the simple fact that the more seemingly obscure, in a way the more beautiful the definition. It's as if these words find there way away from the limelight because they are so full of meaning that it would be too much to speak from day to day. It's as if they are words solely set aside for when they are really needed; when it is so absolutely necessary to pack your words with meaning that you drag these words out of the shadows. So then, to read this book and apply this concept to flowers was so fascinating and beautiful.

I feel like this was kind of a weird rant, but nonetheless I am going to leave you with a few flower/word definitions that I have enjoyed recently.


Koi no yokan- (n.) (phr.) The sense one person has upon meeting another person that they will fall in love

Iris- Message

Meliorism- (n.) The belief that the world gets better; the belief that humans can improve the world

Lavander- Mistrust

Scintilla- (n.) A tiny, brilliant flash or spark; a small thing; a barely visible trace

Azalea- Fragile and ephemeral passion

Cryptic, I know, but just stick with me...

Conflicting emotions are quite the bitch. Feeling one thing, but  doing something contrary to that feeling. Trying to do what is probably better for you, but still wanting to do the thing that might not be. It's a strange place to be in...between a rock and a hard place as they say. Unsure if you should go with what is good for you, or what you really want, which may or may not be good for you, or even a possibility. How does one sort out such mess?

The Staves- Facing West

Weekend Spontaneity

If there is one thing I can say that I love, it's adventure. I love getting out and doing something a little unexpected or unplanned for. This weekend, while it wasn't exceedingly crazy, was indeed fun and spontaneous. It began with my roommates and I deciding to go out to see a movie in Alpharetta at Studio Movie Grill. If you've never been, it a theater that serves you dinner during the movie. You sit at these fun little tables, and you can order various kinds of drinks and a good variety of food all throughout the movie. There was a Groupon for a movie ticket and drink for $5, and considering what movies cost now, we thought that was a pretty awesome deal, and decided we would make a night of it and drive out that way. On the drive there, we saw a sign for Dahlonega and I mentioned how much I like the area and how much fun it would be to go. I then jokingly made the comment that after the movie we could just rent a hotel and spend the next day in Dahlonega. To my surprise, both of my roommates agreed with me that it would be fun to do. So, we talked about it a little more, but didn't decide on anything. Then a little bit later we arrive at the theater, and we brought up the idea again while we were waiting for things to get rolling. We all were getting excited by the idea, and we decided that when the movie was over we would make our decision. So, then 2 hours later the movie ends and we all look at each other and say lets do it! This is the kind of thing you're supposed to do in your early 20's, right? So, we then go to the car and proceed to call all of the local hotels around Dahlonega to check for vacancies and prices. Afterwards we set of to the hotel and after stopping at a local CVS to pick up things like deodorant and a toothbrush and toothpaste, we arrive there around 1:30am to settle in for the night. The next morning we grab some hotel breakfast, shower, and get ready for the day ahead of us. We just spent the day wandering around downtown Dahlonega, spending most of our time in antique shops, and making friends with the local dogs and their owners. I didn't end up getting too much only because the things I wanted were too expensive. I did purchase some old WW2 photographs that I will put it another post.

Anyway, I love weekends such as this. It's fun, and a reminder that it's important to make the most of the time you have. There can be fun waiting for you just around the corner if you just embrace it! 

Anywhoooo here are some photos of things I found this weekend.  

This adorable tea cup! 

Absolutely beautiful table and bench. If I had the money and the house, this would have been purchased.

Awesome luggage set and hat that I found. I spent a good minute walking around wearing this hat while carrying the top bag. It was a struggle not to buy this. 

A frighteningly large portrait of Rhett Butler.

My boots that were....not made for walking around Dahlonega all day. Good for a night out though.

Simple

Sometimes I long for simplicity, to live a life that is devoid of all the things that makes us wired and connected. Often times I find myself dreaming of ways to disconnect from all the chaos. I dream of leaving the life I know, only taking my necessary possessions, and finding some small cabin, with a fireplace, in the middle of nowhere where I can call my home. I would find a simple job that would bring in income, and when I wasn't working I would spend the rest of my time reading, writing, hiking, playing with my dog, or maybe even take up fishing. I would plant a little garden too. Grow some green beans, and various herbs. Fruits as well, because what is life without blueberries, and strawberries. I'm not quite sure what it says about me as a person to wish for this so often. I'm also not quite so sure what it says about me to wish so much. Stillness is want a long for at times. I long to be in a place where the only thing that moves is the nature and weather around me. To have room to think where there isn't the noise of industry clouding my thoughts.

Anyway, I could ramble on but I won't keep you any longer. Just a passing thought.

The Gundersen Family- Wandering Bird

Oh and a movie recomendation: The River Why